Update #54

“Hope deferred makes the heart sick…” Proverbs 13:12

Downtown Los Altos, CA at dusk

I have a friend who is mad at God. Well, honestly, she isn’t just mad; she’s bitter, angry and resentful too. Have you ever felt this way? I have.

It was about five years ago and I had just ended an engagement. The part I was so mad about is that I felt I had ‘done it right’; I had followed the correct path for ‘marital bliss’ only to be rewarded with a shattered emotions, ripped up heart, and stomped on soul.

During this time I distinctly remember standing at the nurse’s station in one of the facilities I used to work for and hearing the residents in Wednesday afternoon church service – they were singing. I remember a black inky feeling washing over me - cold and dark. “I want nothing to do with THAT God – the one who makes promises and then doesn’t fulfill them. He isn’t the lover of my soul.”

Whoa. The vehemence of the thought shocked me. Was I actually anti-God? The following week I barred my soul to my accountability partner and she committed to pray for me. I did the same for the friend who shared her anger with me.

Since my friend and my recent conversation I have been really thinking about how this happens to people. How do those who are close to God, love him, obey him, praise him – turn into cold, dark, angry, bitter, resentful individuals? It is like the pendulum of a clock that has swung from one side of its case to the other…light to dark, joy to anger, free to bitter.

I can only speak for myself – but I feel it is a case of unfulfilled longings and expectations. I wanted to be married; I wanted a husband, a family, a home, a partner. I felt that I had followed the recipe for success…he was a Christian, a church-goer, came from a strong family, my parents liked him, my friends and their husbands liked him, we had a lot in common…

A verse in Proverbs says “hope deferred makes the heart sick.” I had put my hope into something that wasn’t eternal, into something that didn’t last forever. I had put it into a man, into a marriage. I had idolized an ideal (marriage), a status (married), a relationship (spouse) and when the thing I ‘worshiped’ was ripped from my life I was left with a gaping hole…and felt devastated, hurt, and alone. And I blamed God for this.

Now, with hindsight being 20/20, I see that it wasn’t God at all – it was me and my mis-focus. I took my eyes off God and got entranced with the trappings of marriage. In a way, God saved me; he was protecting me – not denying me. I can see this now, but if you had mentioned it to me 5 years ago I would not have believed you.
This leads to the question, what are your idols? We all have them - it is just a matter of how much realignment power they have. Are your eyes riveted on God or do they roam and refocus on something else?

Updates:
Living – at my relative’s house until God puts me in different accommodation.
Car – She sips gas…which is a nice switch from the ‘gulpers’ I have been previously driving!
Samson – aka ‘bullet’ is getting really good at shooting out the door every time it is opened. I think something in the fall air is calling to him…
Work – Rebs and I are going to a seminar on Tuesday and most of the absent office mates will be returning early to mid next week. The office will be ‘full’ again!
Computer – it is ‘chirping’ – don’t know why – it is just sings to me occasionally. I think it has something to do with the mouse…

Requests:
Housing – I am with my Aunt, Uncle, and cousin for the time being but, when the new rēp headquarters are determined, I need to a cat friendly space close to the office.
Holidays - I am staying in California for Thanksgiving and heading to Washington for Christmas – please pray for safe travel and good time with family and friends
Work – For more LEMON Leadership bookings, for safe travel for the teams going out and that I will be divinely inspired how to improve remote training next time around.
Relationships - deepening of present ones, start of new ones and that God will be present
Financing - Eventually my position will be salaried but at first I need to raise ~$3000 a month cover expenses. If you are interested in contributing, please see ‘Contribute’ at http://www.repurposing.biz/ on the left of the page, or visit http://www.denaandrews.blogspot.com/ and read the footer for additional info.

Blessings to you,

Dena

P.S. Congrats to Craig and Diana on their new ‘babies’ – the pictures of Piccadilly and Quixote are adorable!