Update #182 - Heart Hole

“Christ's love is greater than anyone can ever know, but I pray that you will be able to know that love. Then you can be filled with everything God has for you.” Ephesians 3:19

Pacific Ocean, Northern California

I am falling – unafraid - down, down, down into a deep dark, seemingly endless chasm.  The air invites me to relax in its snug temperature and a pleasant scent continuously washes me. I sense there are walls, cragy boundaries, not too far from my extended extremities.  I continue to plummet, my decent constant for 25-30 minutes; then the roughhewn rocks begin to radiate.

It’s a pre-dawn, twilight type glow; and in it, rough appears smooth, dry looks wet, dark now iridescent.  I stretch mid-air, smiling to myself. I don’t know where I am but it’s pretty, smells great, and I feel fantastic!  I have no sense of anxiety, fear or worry at all – yet I still plummet at a rapid rate.

The light gets brighter, more brilliant - to the point where my closed eyelids glow red. The perfume is more powerful, the temperature intensifies, and instead of feeling uneasy or frightened I become more relaxed, more peace-filled; calm.  “Is the perfume a drug?” I wonder.

Glub! My bare body is enveloped into a golden, glowing, moving, gelatinous mass.  Electrified honey is the best way to describe it – but not stingy or sticky.  A pleasant buzz combined with thickness keeps me a float.  The substance is pure pleasure, absolute elation; I feel love. I feel encased, covered, surrounded by adoration, tenderness, and affection.  Tears stream down my face as I revel in the overwhelming, unending, unconditional, unrelenting LOVE.

My body, suspended in the goop, relaxes.  I don’t care about anything - absolutely nothing.  My mind is at peace and I am fully surrendered to the gelatinous mass. My pores are sucking up the golden material because I start to glow – from the inside out.  I feel SO AWESOME.

I feel drunk, yet I am sober.  I feel out of my body, yet I am in it.  I feel super-aware of all that is happing to and through me, yet I am so relaxed I could sleep.  “What is this place?” flits across my consciousness as I smile and stretch in the goo.

The golden goop vibrates and my mind somehow translates the tremor.  “You are in the God-shaped hole in your heart.”

“Ah…cool.” I reply as I float, suspended, in absolute ecstasy.

Another thought skims my consciousness “Then why did I fall so far? Doesn’t God fill the entire hole when I invite Jesus into my heart?”

Another tremor somehow translated “You haven’t let me fill it full with myself. You have reserved space for others.”

“Really?” At this point I am so relaxed, so happy, so completely at peace I can’t imagine anyone, anything, anybody could top what I was experiencing. “Whatcha mean?” (stretch, yawn).

“This hole is meant for me. When you reserve space for others your love tank can never be full.”

I didn’t really get what he was saying and really didn’t really care; but didn’t want him to go away either so I responded as intelligently as I could: “Huh?”

“Are you able to easily unconditionally love others?”

“Nope. Not without your help I can’t”

“Do you find it difficult?”

“Yeah.” I sighed.

“Are you able to love others unrelentingly, un-biasedly, unendingly?”

“Nope.”(The line of questioning may have been difficult, but I felt so accepted, so understood, and sensed so much trust I believed I could be completely vulnerable, open and honest. It wasn’t the prettiest side of me I was admitting to.)

“When your heart’s God hole is overflowing it is easy to unconditionally love others – because you feel that way yourself.”

“Oh...”  I was starting to understand what he was saying.  The drunk fog was still with me but my thoughts were a bit more cohesive.  Then, suddenly, the weight of heart hole occupant occupancy slammed into my consciousness. Sitting up in the golden goo I cried out “Who’s in my hole?! I don’t want anyone there but you!”

A picture slideshow skimmed across my consciousness; he showed me person, after person, after person, I had let take residency; unwanted co-inhabitants with him in my heart.  I repented. I asked forgiveness – all while floating in the blissful state of the goo.  With each eviction the goop level rose, elevated, and increased.  Eventually it was spilling out over the top of the chasm and I climbed out and stood beside the bubbling, moving, shifting love mass that was God.

Are you able to give your love away unconditionally, unrelentingly, unendingly? Who is in your God shaped heart hole? Who does God co-habit with?  Your parents? A significant other? A mentor, teacher or boss? Your co-workers, siblings or relative? Friends?  Who are you seeking attention, love, affirmation from or performing for?  Who feeds your love tank? God or others?

Updates:
Work – Awesome things are happening with the intercession team and the trainees; we prayed for a guy with a hurt foot last week and it was healed! Same with a girl with an injured shoulder! Whoo Hoo!
Personal – Thank you to those who prayed for my sleep.  I haven’t slept this well in a long, long time! Keep going! I am finally feeling rested inside and look like it on the outside.
Cool thing - One of our alumni was in for a patellar fracture and tendon repair August 27th. He was in pre-op and the IV for the anesthesia had already been inserted when the orthopedic surgeon came in and saw him one last time.  The surgeon tested the knee and our alumni, who the week prior failed the test, was able to complete it – THREE TIMES!!! The surgery was cancelled and the surgeon commented the knee must be healing on its own! Go God!!!

Requests:
Work – With so many trainees, we need help!  Hospitality, room set up, dessert bringers, meal makers, trash taker-outers, coaches, intercessors… if you have time on a Monday, Wednesday or training Saturday, LET US KNOW!  Please pray for the team dedicated to making the trainings run each and every week – they are amazing, but it is a lot of work!
Personal – Sometimes I feel like Moses in the back 40 – tending sheep, day to day stuff that no one sees but is important, and the monotony of daily life can be overwhelming (Oil change anyone? How about a mail run, bank deposit, or a trip to the grocery store? How about some data entry? Anyone? Anyone?) Don’t get it done and the sheep bleat. Get it done and the sheep aren’t any the wiser. I know I am not the only one who feels this way – we all do time to time. Contentment in face of the day to day “stuff” is my heart’s desire!

Update #181 - Heat

“Good people do good things because of the good in their hearts. Bad people do bad things because of the evil in their hearts. Your words show what is in your heart.” Luke 6:45

Carmel, CA

In July I went river rafting in the California Sierra Nevada’s just east of the San Joaquin Valley. This was my first time to the area – and it was H-O-T. Not just, “Oh, I am uncomfortable in this heat” hot, it was 106 at one point!  Thank God for no humidity.

I am a reluctant camper at best, but due to the lure of river rafting the Kern, my own tent and a queen sized air mattress I conceded.  I chose to ignore the ants, the scary duct taped bathroom, and tune-out Cheech and Chong partying next door until o’dark thirty in the morning (they were really loud – ear plugs only dulled the din) and made the best of it.

On Sunday evening I returned to Orange County and after washing three days of river, dirt and grime off of my body (i.e. most of the “tan” I had accumulated) I spent time reorganizing my stuff; filthy in one pile, semi-gross in another, and despicable in a third.

Everything was delightfully warm – like just taken out of an extra hot dryer.  This was okay for the clothes but my facial cleanser had gone from viscous to fine liquid (with bubbles), my mascara became gummy in texture (no, I didn’t actually use it), my hand sanitizer bottle had morphed in shape and the liquid had clouded over, and my soap had taken on the contour of its container.  Somethings melted, somethings condensed, some became entirely separate from their container and some became part of it; it was like a weird chemistry lab experiment had taken place in my toiletry bag!

As I stood there evaluating my unplanned research project (probably a little longer than I should have because I was so tired my thoughts were going in circles, back and forth, and then around again) a thought popped into my head “Heat does weird things to stuff.  What does it do to me?”

I stood there and thought about it - put me in full sun, no shade, no water, I get cranky. Place me in the unrelenting glare, on black tarmac without relief and I turn into someone other than myself – grace goes bye-bye and ornery shows up.  My appetite disappears, nausea takes up residence and a colossal headache clouds my rational thought processes. I am usually pleasant, but prolonged sun exposure bring about strange, bizarre, irritable, cantankerous, odd behavior (give me shade and they go away… quite simple actually).

Still staring at the experiment taking place in my toiletry bag my thoughts turned to the spiritual implications of heat on our lives… the trials, ordeals, hardship, pain, suffering, misery, burdens, and distress we encounter.  How do I react to those?  Do I stay pleasant? Does grace abound or does ornery occur?  How long until I need the equivalent of shade and relief?  What sorts of things are changing and morphing on the inside?  Do I melt or condense? Am I contouring to the shape of my environment or do I separate from it? Do I ooze all over others or am I self-contained?

Swirling, confusing, overlapping thoughts tumbled through my brain, wet hair in my face, towel wrapped around my body.  I shivered from the breeze and shook my head to clear the maelstrom of random one-liners.

How does “heat” change you? Is it for the better or for the worse? Do hot environments change you for the good or are you abysmal to be around? What is your attitude during a prolonged heat exposure? How long does grace abound before ornery occurs?

Updates:
Work – Training plugs on… remote on Monday night, in-person on Wednesday, and a Saturday once a month.
Personal – It is hot here! Thank God for fans, but it is really warm at night – so I am not sleeping the greatest.  I know the “wave” will pass, but supernatural sleep would be appreciated!

Requests:
Work – With so many trainees, we need help!  Hospitality, room set up, dessert bringers, meal makers, trash taker-outers, coaches, intercessors… if you have time on a Monday, Wednesday or training Saturday, LET US KNOW!  Please pray for the team dedicated to making the trainings run each and every week – they are amazing, but it is a lot of work!
Personal – For the rest of the Johnson’s vacation, for my weekend in Marin visiting friends and for the upcoming craziness autumn brings; travel is back on the schedule again!

Update #180 - Pleasure

“Do not fear… for it is your Father's good pleasure to give you the kingdom.” Luke 12:32

Near Big Sur, CA

Mar-less skies equated well with the skin barring populous; winter sheltered bodies abandoning themselves to the heat, the caress, the kiss of the sun - the air fragrant with Coppertone, zinc oxide and cocoa butter.

Every size, shape, age, and culture dotted the beach; some under umbrellas, some with babies in tents, some playing touch football, volleyball, or chasing dogs down the sandy mile.  Others lay on candy striped towels reading, napping, or shielding their eyes from the sun with a carelessly flung forearm across their face.

The waves, unceasing, rhythmically pounded the shore and conveyed surfers gracefully on their backs. The sun danced like diamonds skipping along the surface of the water; retina searing in brilliance, red dots dancing in playful choreography as a result.

Sandy toes, feet wet from the surf; the tops slightly red from exfoliation and sun.  Happy and relaxed, smiles and laughter abound. Squealing children flirt with the chilly water – in and out, in and out, trying to outrun the tide.  Dogs bark as cherished balls fling far and wide into the ocean.

The scene may have had action in it, but serenity is what I felt - deep rooted tranquility and calmness; an overabundant peacefulness and quietness of soul.  I walked the beach for hours that day – hours and hours and hours.  I passed family’s celebrating birthdays, groups getting together for barbeques, others lighting bonfires and clinking bottles of beer in camaraderie… friends, families, co-workers, groups working together for a singular purpose: enjoyment.

It made me smile.  I was having fun watching others enjoy themselves; finding amusement and pleasure in others experiencing joy.

I think God enjoys seeing his kids having fun. He likes to see his children laughing, smiling, experiencing joy.  He likes to see them working together to bring enjoyment and happiness to those around them.  I think it makes him smile.

It made me pause and think about what else brings God joy.  What makes him laugh, grin and smirk in enjoyment?  What causes him to laugh out loud and slap his knee in delight?

I came to the conclusion that we do. We cause God immense, incalculable pleasure.  We cause him to smile and laugh and grin.  We are his favorites in the universe.  We are his preferred, his beloved, his favored, we are much-loved. Very, very much-loved.

Do you know you bring God joy?  Your presence brings God pleasure? Do you realize you are a beloved, favored and very much-loved child? Do you understand that no matter what you have done, are doing or will do - God’s opinion of you won’t change?

To be honest – I know this truth. I teach this truth. I try (notice the verb here) to live this truth – but don’t always embody it to the fullest. What blocks me from realizing the fullness God’s love for me?  Different things on different days.

What about you? What blocks, obstructs, deters, hinders, or frustrates your connection to God’s immeasurable love for you?  Do you believe he loves (even likes) you for who you are now, today, this moment? What keeps you from gaining this confidence?

Updates:
Work – 33 trainees! Whoo Hoo!  22 in person, 10 on remote!  This is one of our biggest classes yet – incredible!  We had KickOff training the 28th and our fist weekday session on August 1st, the first remote training launches on the 6th.
Personal – God is so cool. Two weeks ago I wanted a new dress for a dinner I was going to and felt God told me to go to Ross.  Without the money to purchase anything I may find I shopped anyway, thinking God must have a plan or he wouldn’t have sent me to the store. I found a pretty blue dress. Then I stood in line, talking to God the entire time “Um, how are we going to pay for this? I don’t want to go into debt over a dress!” PING went my phone – someone PayPal’d me money – and yep, it was what I needed for the dress! Hee Hee Hee!  Thanks God for the new birthday dress!

Requests:
Work – With so many trainees, we need help!  Hospitality, room set up, kid corralling, scorecard clients, dessert makers, trash taker-outers, coaches, intercessors… if you have time on a Monday, Wednesday or training Saturday, LET US KNOW!
Personal – The Johnsons are leaving for vacation on Sunday and the staff and I are driving the bus. Prayer coverage for them while they rest, coverage for us while they are away would be appreciated!