Update #182 - Heart Hole

“Christ's love is greater than anyone can ever know, but I pray that you will be able to know that love. Then you can be filled with everything God has for you.” Ephesians 3:19

Pacific Ocean, Northern California

I am falling – unafraid - down, down, down into a deep dark, seemingly endless chasm.  The air invites me to relax in its snug temperature and a pleasant scent continuously washes me. I sense there are walls, cragy boundaries, not too far from my extended extremities.  I continue to plummet, my decent constant for 25-30 minutes; then the roughhewn rocks begin to radiate.

It’s a pre-dawn, twilight type glow; and in it, rough appears smooth, dry looks wet, dark now iridescent.  I stretch mid-air, smiling to myself. I don’t know where I am but it’s pretty, smells great, and I feel fantastic!  I have no sense of anxiety, fear or worry at all – yet I still plummet at a rapid rate.

The light gets brighter, more brilliant - to the point where my closed eyelids glow red. The perfume is more powerful, the temperature intensifies, and instead of feeling uneasy or frightened I become more relaxed, more peace-filled; calm.  “Is the perfume a drug?” I wonder.

Glub! My bare body is enveloped into a golden, glowing, moving, gelatinous mass.  Electrified honey is the best way to describe it – but not stingy or sticky.  A pleasant buzz combined with thickness keeps me a float.  The substance is pure pleasure, absolute elation; I feel love. I feel encased, covered, surrounded by adoration, tenderness, and affection.  Tears stream down my face as I revel in the overwhelming, unending, unconditional, unrelenting LOVE.

My body, suspended in the goop, relaxes.  I don’t care about anything - absolutely nothing.  My mind is at peace and I am fully surrendered to the gelatinous mass. My pores are sucking up the golden material because I start to glow – from the inside out.  I feel SO AWESOME.

I feel drunk, yet I am sober.  I feel out of my body, yet I am in it.  I feel super-aware of all that is happing to and through me, yet I am so relaxed I could sleep.  “What is this place?” flits across my consciousness as I smile and stretch in the goo.

The golden goop vibrates and my mind somehow translates the tremor.  “You are in the God-shaped hole in your heart.”

“Ah…cool.” I reply as I float, suspended, in absolute ecstasy.

Another thought skims my consciousness “Then why did I fall so far? Doesn’t God fill the entire hole when I invite Jesus into my heart?”

Another tremor somehow translated “You haven’t let me fill it full with myself. You have reserved space for others.”

“Really?” At this point I am so relaxed, so happy, so completely at peace I can’t imagine anyone, anything, anybody could top what I was experiencing. “Whatcha mean?” (stretch, yawn).

“This hole is meant for me. When you reserve space for others your love tank can never be full.”

I didn’t really get what he was saying and really didn’t really care; but didn’t want him to go away either so I responded as intelligently as I could: “Huh?”

“Are you able to easily unconditionally love others?”

“Nope. Not without your help I can’t”

“Do you find it difficult?”

“Yeah.” I sighed.

“Are you able to love others unrelentingly, un-biasedly, unendingly?”

“Nope.”(The line of questioning may have been difficult, but I felt so accepted, so understood, and sensed so much trust I believed I could be completely vulnerable, open and honest. It wasn’t the prettiest side of me I was admitting to.)

“When your heart’s God hole is overflowing it is easy to unconditionally love others – because you feel that way yourself.”

“Oh...”  I was starting to understand what he was saying.  The drunk fog was still with me but my thoughts were a bit more cohesive.  Then, suddenly, the weight of heart hole occupant occupancy slammed into my consciousness. Sitting up in the golden goo I cried out “Who’s in my hole?! I don’t want anyone there but you!”

A picture slideshow skimmed across my consciousness; he showed me person, after person, after person, I had let take residency; unwanted co-inhabitants with him in my heart.  I repented. I asked forgiveness – all while floating in the blissful state of the goo.  With each eviction the goop level rose, elevated, and increased.  Eventually it was spilling out over the top of the chasm and I climbed out and stood beside the bubbling, moving, shifting love mass that was God.

Are you able to give your love away unconditionally, unrelentingly, unendingly? Who is in your God shaped heart hole? Who does God co-habit with?  Your parents? A significant other? A mentor, teacher or boss? Your co-workers, siblings or relative? Friends?  Who are you seeking attention, love, affirmation from or performing for?  Who feeds your love tank? God or others?

Updates:
Work – Awesome things are happening with the intercession team and the trainees; we prayed for a guy with a hurt foot last week and it was healed! Same with a girl with an injured shoulder! Whoo Hoo!
Personal – Thank you to those who prayed for my sleep.  I haven’t slept this well in a long, long time! Keep going! I am finally feeling rested inside and look like it on the outside.
Cool thing - One of our alumni was in for a patellar fracture and tendon repair August 27th. He was in pre-op and the IV for the anesthesia had already been inserted when the orthopedic surgeon came in and saw him one last time.  The surgeon tested the knee and our alumni, who the week prior failed the test, was able to complete it – THREE TIMES!!! The surgery was cancelled and the surgeon commented the knee must be healing on its own! Go God!!!

Requests:
Work – With so many trainees, we need help!  Hospitality, room set up, dessert bringers, meal makers, trash taker-outers, coaches, intercessors… if you have time on a Monday, Wednesday or training Saturday, LET US KNOW!  Please pray for the team dedicated to making the trainings run each and every week – they are amazing, but it is a lot of work!
Personal – Sometimes I feel like Moses in the back 40 – tending sheep, day to day stuff that no one sees but is important, and the monotony of daily life can be overwhelming (Oil change anyone? How about a mail run, bank deposit, or a trip to the grocery store? How about some data entry? Anyone? Anyone?) Don’t get it done and the sheep bleat. Get it done and the sheep aren’t any the wiser. I know I am not the only one who feels this way – we all do time to time. Contentment in face of the day to day “stuff” is my heart’s desire!